Overview of Story: The Bug He Couldn't Name — A 15-Year Fight Inside One Developer's Mind
Host Adam Gordon‑Bell interviews Burke Holland, a Microsoft VS Code team member and public speaker, about a long struggle with severe anxiety and undiagnosed obsessive‑compulsive rumination that began after a traumatic drug experience in college. The episode traces Burke’s descent into crippling sleeplessness, isolation, and relationship strain; his circuitous path through meds and therapists; the moment he finally named the problem (ruminative OCD + trauma) using The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook; and how diagnosis, targeted medication, and practical tools let him rebuild his marriage, career, and life.
Key takeaways
- Naming the problem matters: identifying ruminative OCD and trauma fundamentally changed treatment options and outcomes.
- Rumination can trap you in feedback loops — fear of not sleeping becomes the cause of sleeplessness.
- Medication (Lexapro + short‑term benzodiazepines) helped Burke move from near‑nonfunctional to roughly 80%, but meds are not a complete solution and have trade‑offs (e.g., benzo addiction risk, antipsychotics can be zombifying).
- Practical tools that helped: structured self‑work (workbook), mindfulness/noting, regular exercise, targeted meds, and perseverance.
- Mental illness can be invisible; people often lose social connections quickly when they can’t participate in the same activities.
- Recovery is often a slow, non‑linear process; it can take years, but steady work yields meaningful change.
- Personal struggle can build empathy and become a source of strength and vocational fit (Burke’s communication/advocacy skills flourished after stabilization).
Timeline / Story arc (concise)
- College-era acid trip → panic/possible psychotic episode → ER visit; afterwards developed intense fear of not being able to sleep.
- Years of cycles: isolation, inability to work or study at times, social pullback, self‑medicating with alcohol, sporadic meds and therapists (poor continuity/fit).
- Joins Coast Guard for structure (helps but doesn’t cure).
- Buys a PC; discovers fascination with UI and computers → switches major to Information Systems; meets future wife; academic success follows.
- Family stress: three children (including twins) within a few years → massive stress escalation; marriage nearly breaks around 2009–2010.
- Heavily medicated periods (including antipsychotic Seroquel), still struggling.
- Finds The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (originally given years earlier), works through it and self‑identifies ruminative OCD + trauma.
- Starts Lexapro and limited benzodiazepines → rapid functional improvement.
- Builds career in developer relations (Telerik → Microsoft DevRel; VS Code team), returns to speaking and traveling; continues to manage the condition.
Diagnosis, treatment, and tools mentioned
- Diagnosis: Ruminative obsessive‑compulsive disorder (OCD) + trauma responses; initial mislabeling as depression in some settings.
- Medications:
- Lexapro (SSRI) for rumination — reported significant benefit.
- Benzodiazepines for acute sleep/anxiety relief — effective but addictive; use cautiously.
- Seroquel (antipsychotic) used earlier in crisis — effective at calming but with severe side effects (zombie‑like).
- Nonpharmacological tools:
- The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook — used to self‑diagnose and navigate appropriate therapies.
- Cognitive approach: whittle down symptoms → reach targeted section in workbook → follow recommended interventions.
- Mindfulness / noting technique: label thoughts (e.g., “that’s anxiety”) and move on rather than trying to suppress them.
- Exercise and regular physical activity — particularly important when symptoms are worst.
- Persistence, structure, and therapy when the right fit is found.
Practical advice / Action items (for listeners who struggle)
- If you’re confused about symptoms, use structured self‑help (e.g., Anxiety and Phobia Workbook) to clarify what you’re experiencing and guide next steps.
- Get a focused diagnosis: different anxiety/depression/OCD presentations require different treatments.
- Consider SSRIs for rumination; consider benzodiazepines only for short‑term/supervised use because of addiction risk.
- Practice noting (mindfulness): name the thought/feeling and let it pass instead of amplifying it.
- Prioritize exercise even when it’s hardest — it significantly reduces anxiety over time.
- Be persistent: recovery can take years and often requires active, personal work — “no one is coming to fix this for you.”
- If you’re supporting someone, recognize limits: you can’t “save” them; consistent support, patience, and boundaries matter.
Impact on career & relationships
- Career: Once stabilized he discovered and excelled in developer relations and public speaking; the challenges didn’t prevent success, and in some ways heightened his empathy and communication strengths.
- Marriage: Period of severe strain and near separation; continued effort from both partners and eventual recovery led to a stronger relationship and deeper appreciation.
- Parenting: Anxiety deeply affected his presence as a father during worst episodes; improvement allowed him to be more present.
Notable quotes
- “For 15 years my strategy was basically… hope the bug doesn’t reemerge. And then it would just happen.”
- “If you’re losing your mind, you don’t ask the question. The fact that you’re asking the question means it isn’t happening.”
- “You have to do the work yourself… only you can fix it.”
- “It isn’t going to be so you can just discard that scenario… Things never play out like they do in your mind.”
Themes and lessons
- Naming a problem enables targeted solutions — like debugging code, diagnosing the bug lets you choose the right fix.
- Mental illness is often cyclical and unpredictable; silence/stigma gives the condition power.
- Medication + therapy + lifestyle changes together are more effective than any one intervention.
- Suffering can produce empathy and skills that become strengths (e.g., Burke’s ability to connect with and help others).
- Recovery is not a single event but ongoing management and self‑work.
Resources / cautions
- The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook — recommended by Burke as the pivotal self‑help tool that helped him identify his condition and next steps.
- Medication caution: benzodiazepines can be highly addictive; antipsychotics can blunt cognition and emotion. Work closely with a trusted clinician and understand trade‑offs.
- If you’re struggling: seek help, consider structured self‑work to clarify symptoms, and be persistent if early therapists/providers aren’t a fit.
Thanks for listening to the episode — a concise personal case study in how identifying a “bug” (ruminative OCD + trauma), applying the right tools, and steady work can transform both personal life and career.