Summary of What Percent Gay Are You? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Overview of 2 Bears, 1 Cave

In this riff-heavy episode of Two Bears One Cave, Bert and Tom start with a joke about Hunter Biden claiming he’s “48% gay” and use that as a springboard for a broader, very unfiltered conversation about sexuality, masculinity, sports fandom, body image, therapy, and what they find attractive in other men and women. The episode is mostly improvised banter, with recurring bits about “what percent gay” each person is, plus a few side tangents into sports, internet clip culture, and ad-read chaos.

Main Discussion

“What percent gay are you?”

• The episode’s core premise is a running joke: if Hunter Biden is “48% gay,” what percentage gay are Bert and Tom?
• They treat sexuality as fluid and funny to quantify, building a fake “gay percentage” scale based on interests and behavior:
  • liking clothes
  • talking about dicks
  • checking out men’s bodies
  • enjoying male cheerleaders
  • feeling comfortable around gay men or in locker-room/sauna settings
• Bert repeatedly pushes the bit toward absurdly high percentages, while Tom half-seriously agrees with some of the markers.

Attraction, resentment, and “spiteful” sexuality

• Tom says that if being openly gay had been socially acceptable when he was younger, he might have “gone gay” out of resentment toward women who rejected him.
• He expands this into a broader theory that some people’s sexuality or partner preferences can be shaped by resentment, rejection, or social circumstance.
• They also joke about “incels” and women who dislike the roles or bodies they were stuck with, framing it as a kind of parallel resentment.

Men, women, and body preferences

• Tom says he can accept flaws in women, and that things women are insecure about can be attractive to him.
• The conversation turns to whether he’d date women with disabilities or visible imperfections, which he says he could.
• A story comes up about him dating a woman with cerebral palsy while drinking heavily and not realizing it at first.
• He says that once sober, he found it endearing and felt like a “good guy” for not caring.

Sports, Race, and White Guys in Black-Dominated Sports

White athletes who “feel” special

• The conversation shifts into a long bit about white athletes excelling in sports dominated by Black athletes.
• They name several examples:
  • Jason Williams (“White Chocolate”)
  • John Stockton
  • Larry Bird
  • Ricky Hatton
  • Micky Ward
  • Cooper DeJean
  • various white punters, safeties, and returners
• Their point is that white fans often get especially excited when a white player is elite in a sport where that’s rare.
• They jokingly frame this as a deeply emotional, even “racial” reaction—part admiration, part identification.

Jason Williams vs. John Stockton

• Bert and Tom contrast Jason Williams’ flair and “razzle dazzle” with John Stockton’s boring efficiency.
• Their argument:
  • Jason Williams = fun, highlight-reel, “white guy doing black guy stuff”
  • John Stockton = legendary but dull, coach-approved, no flair
• They conclude that if a white athlete has style and swagger, they’re more fun to watch; if they’re just effective, they’re respected but not as exciting.

Sophie Cunningham and the “recruitment video” joke

• They talk about WNBA player Sophie Cunningham and focus on clips of her physical play against Black players.
• Tom jokingly says the Ku Klux Klan could use those highlight clips as a recruitment tool because they “trigger” a racist cheering instinct in some viewers.
• Bert and Tom both recognize the joke is outrageous, but they keep pushing it for comedy.

Male cheerleaders

• They react strongly to a male cheerleader on the Philadelphia Eagles.
• Tom argues male cheerleaders are often technically better dancers than the women because they had to overcome social stigma and earn their place.
• He compares male cheerleaders to other “high-skill outliers” like Jason Williams and Eminem—people who are exceptional enough to break through bias.
• They also distinguish between pro/NFL male cheerleaders and college cheerleaders, joking that college cheerleading can feel like a shortcut.

Personal Stories and Therapy

Sleep anxiety and childhood

• Tom shares that his daughter dismissed his sleep issues as something therapy should not be used for.
• She tells him to “grow the fuck up,” which he finds funny and somewhat fair.
• The bit becomes a joke about overanalyzing childhood issues as a rich, middle-aged man.

Therapy as structure

• Tom says therapy has changed his definition of “better” and helped him realize he needs more structure in his life.
• The conversation is self-aware and mocking, but he clearly values therapy even while joking about it.

Body, Gayness, and Locker Room Humor

Sauna, nudity, and male bodies

• They discuss how comfortable they are with nudity around other men, especially in saunas and locker rooms.
• Tom says he checks out male physiques, compliments guys on their legs or chest, and can feel safer around gay men.
• Bert pushes the idea that Tom’s comfort around men, desire to look at them, and enjoyment of discussing their bodies all add to his “gay percentage.”

OnlyFans fantasy

• They speculate about which male comics would do well if they started an OnlyFans:
  • John Mulaney
  • Pete Davidson
• They think those names would create huge interest because of their image and personality.

Shohei Ohtani and the Translator Scandal

Ohtani as a “Jason Williams” of baseball

• The conversation briefly turns to Shohei Ohtani, whom they admire as a generational talent.
• Bert says he loves watching Ohtani dominate baseball as a Japanese player excelling in an American sport.
• They compare him to the “white guys in black sports” bit—an outlier who becomes iconic because of how rare and good he is.

Ohtani’s interpreter

• They discuss the scandal involving Ohtani’s interpreter, who was later revealed to have stolen massive amounts of money from Ohtani’s account for gambling.
• They joke about the absurdity of being the translator for a superstar with $180 million and having access to his finances.
• Bert mentions the bizarre phone-call audio and how it helped expose the fraud.

Mountain Dew Ad Concept Submissions

The best listener-generated ideas

• The episode closes with several fan-submitted Mountain Dew ad concepts.
• The hosts especially like the simpler, more open-ended ideas because they leave room for their own improvisation.

Notable concepts

• “Doo Doo” beach ad
  • A dramatic, oceanic teaser where a giant Dew pull-tab rises from the sea like a monster.
  • They like the vibe, but joke that it would be expensive to film convincingly.
• Green room silence gag
  • Bert keeps interrupting comics in a green room.
  • Tom uses Mountain Dew to shut him up every time he starts talking.
  • Bert ends the night surrounded by empty cans, silenced by sugar.
• Mountain Dew sommelier
  • Tom tastes Mountain Dew like a wine expert, describing sweetness and citrus notes.
  • They like how minimal and ridiculous it is.
• They say the most effective concepts are the ones with a simple premise and a strong final beat.

Takeaways

• The episode is mostly a comedy riff session rather than a structured interview.
• The main recurring joke is “what percent gay are you?” used to explore identity, attraction, and masculine insecurity.
• The hosts repeatedly lean into outrageous race-and-sports humor, especially around white athletes in Black-majority sports.
• They also touch on personal growth, therapy, and sleep issues in a self-deprecating way.
• The Mountain Dew ad segment ends the episode with creative listener submissions and their usual improvisational feedback.