Overview of Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This episode is a loose, freewheeling conversation between Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura covering food preferences, restaurant memories, health scares and recovery, business ventures (donut shop idea), comedy world anecdotes, and an event announcement (Two Bears 5K). The tone is conversational and anecdotal — lots of storytelling, sponsor reads, and personal reflections about health, fame, and lifestyle.
Key topics discussed
- Fast-food and chain-restaurant takes: McDonald’s, Burger King (Whopper), Wendy’s (Baconator), Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooters, Outback, Bennigan’s, Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’, Voodoo Donuts, local mom‑and‑pop shops.
- Food memories: first experiences with fajitas, blooming onion, grouper sandwiches, and various donut chains.
- Health: Bert’s blood clot (DVT) and pulmonary embolism, hospitalization, panic during CAT scan, treatment with blood thinners, ongoing recovery and medication regimen; debate about sleep apnea devices and CPAP; weight-loss drugs (discussed as “Manjaro” in transcript — likely a GLP‑1 medication such as Mounjaro) and side effects.
- Business & side projects: Bert talking about buying a local donut shop (USA Donuts), Tom’s croissant shop, upgrades planned (better donuts while keeping popular sandwiches).
- Comedy industry anecdotes: interactions and impressions of comics and celebrities (Ari Shafir, Tracy Morgan, Mike Epps, John Mulaney, Jerry Seinfeld), how fame and social media affect comedians.
- Event announcement: Two Bears 5K — May 9 at the Rose Bowl during Netflix Is a Joke Festival; Jelly Roll, Tom & Bert to participate.
- Sponsor reads: Ethos (life insurance), BlueChew, Shopify, BetterHelp, Factor, Babbel and others woven into the episode.
Notable stories & highlights
- Food hierarchy and takes:
- “McDonald’s fries are tops.” Bert defends McDonald’s fries as unbeatable.
- Bert prefers a Whopper with cheese or a Baconator over a Big Mac.
- Strong nostalgic appreciation for Krispy Kreme and Dunkin’, regional loyalties noted.
- Outback/blooming onion memory:
- Bert recounts discovering the blooming onion, its massive calorie count (discussed as a “death bomb”), and a food‑poisoning experience after ordering lobster at a steakhouse — a lesson to “stick to steak” at steakhouses.
- Health scare:
- Bert had blood clots in his leg and lungs; describes the terror of a CAT scan that was interrupted due to alarmingly high vitals, then diagnosis of pulmonary emboli. Treatment: blood thinners and lifestyle changes. He urges people to take health seriously and uses the 5K as motivation to get fit.
- Weight loss & meds:
- Discussion of using a GLP‑1 style medication for weight loss (referred to in the episode as “Manjaro”), the nausea/flu‑like feel some experience, and how it affects appetite and food choices.
- Donut shop purchase:
- Bert is buying a small local donut shop (staffed by Cambodian/Vietnamese bakers); plan: keep the sandwiches that customers love, upgrade the donuts with a better supplier, and potentially rebrand later.
- Two Bears 5K:
- Third annual 2 Bears 5K at the Rose Bowl on Saturday, May 9 during Netflix Is a Joke Festival. Community vibe emphasized — all levels welcome, activations, vendors, recovery stations, music. Jelly Roll’s participation and transformation highlighted as inspiration.
Important quotes & lines
- “McDonald’s fucking rocks… McDonald’s fries are tops.”
- “If you’re going to a steakhouse you should stick to steak.”
- On health/legacy: “When I pass, my girls are taken care of. That is a certainty.”
- On his hospital moment: “Thank god I’m not them” → followed by the realization that compassion and perspective should replace that reflex.
Main takeaways
- Health matters: Bert’s blood clot/pulmonary embolism was a major wake-up call; he stresses prevention, checkups, being careful with meds/drinking when on blood thinners, and making fitness a priority.
- Community and accountability help change: the Two Bears 5K is pitched not just as a run but as community motivation for people wanting to get healthy.
- Nostalgia and regional loyalties shape food preferences: chain loyalties (Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’, McDonald’s) are real and emotional; food memories (blooming onion, fajitas) stick.
- Small-business nostalgia + opportunism: Bert’s donut-shop purchase is framed as a fun side project — not primarily for profit but for the love of food and local community.
Practical action items / links mentioned
- Two Bears 5K: sign up and learn more at 2Bears5k.com (event May 9, Rose Bowl; all levels welcome).
- Health suggestions implied: get checked for DVT/PE symptoms if suspicious; consult doctors about blood thinners and alcohol; consider lifestyle changes and community fitness goals.
- Business/consumer references (sponsors in episode): life insurance recommended (Ethos), therapy (BetterHelp), meal delivery (Factor), language learning (Babbel), Shopify for e‑commerce, BlueChew for ED solutions — these are the brands read as ads in the episode.
Final notes
This episode is heavy on personal storytelling, humor, and branded sponsor segments. It mixes lighthearted food and business talk with a serious personal health narrative that acts as the episode’s emotional core and motivation for the fitness-focused Two Bears 5K. If you want the episode for laughs, focus on the food/comedy anecdotes; if you want a takeaway, pay attention to the health story and event encouragement.